LADY TERMINATOR (H. TJUT DJALIL, 1989)

Although a great number of exploitation films definitely follow the marketing rule of "sell the sizzle, not the steak", Indonesian exploitation films sell the sizzle, the steak, and a a naked gaggle of zombie lesbian nuns in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. These are films which more than deliver on their outrageous concepts, lathering the screen in shoddy gore, black magic, hundreds of pairs of tits and unashamed rip-offs of Hollywood's finest. They really are a unique beast. In recent years Italian exploitation films have been re-evaluated by cinematic scholars. They stroke their chins with mouths full of organic quinoa while watching a shark fighting a zombie in Fulci's Zombie Flesh Eaters, before finally putting the official giant ART stamp on it. Somehow, even the trashiest Italian gore-fest has become acceptable. Given the content of Lady Terminator, I think it will be a while before we see the same for Indonesian exploitation films. 

Director H. Tjut Djalil is responsible for a number of notorious films from the country, including Dangerous Seductress and the frankly astonishing Mystics in Bali. This is the film that tells the tale of a black majicked disembodied head, complete with hanging lungs, heart and entrails, which flies around and eats babies from the wombs of pregnant women. I can't wait to see Platinum Dunes try and remake this nonsense. 

Bloody NHS cuts.

As you probably worked out from the title, Lady Terminator is a completely shameless rip-off of James Cameron's The Terminator. Whereas Cameron's masterpiece focuses on a naked male robot from the future, Djalil's trashterpiece focuses on a naked female anthropologist from the 80s. This is no normal anthropologist however, this permed and perfumed high-waisted bikini clad strumpet just happens to be possessed by a sea-snake queen from the past. The queen is miffed that one of her lovers stole the snake from her vagina and turned it into a magical dagger. Yes, really. She calls him a bastard and swears to take revenge on his great-granddaughter. 100 years later, our nosy anthropologist Tania goes snooping around the location of the legend until she ends up with a mystical snake wriggling up her hoo-ha. She seems to be unusually proud of her profession, even uttering "I'm not a lady, I'm an anthropologist" and "I'm an anthropoligist, huh!", just so we are bloody clear. Soon she emerges naked from the sea, looking to hunt down her very own Indonesian Sarah Connor. Stealing the leather jacket from a group of inane randy punks who want to have a bit of sexual sex with her, "Go on! You're not going to catch AIDS!" they lie, our lady terminator heads off into the night. From here on in, the film pretty much follows the story beats of Cameron's film but with an added layer of insanity. This terminator can castrate men with her fanny, shoot lazers from her eyes and has magical electric tits.

I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.

Our Sarah Connor for the tale, Erica, is an up and coming pop star, and a whiny ungrateful cow. Following her rescue by white bread police cock, Max (Kyle Reese), Erica whines about her high heels and is told to shut up about 5000 times. I would have left her for the lady terminator to terminate with her lady parts. She shows almost no sorrow for her 'best' friend who is terminated in shabby mall toilet for merely having a cheap knock-off necklace (probably from Argos). Personally, I think she should have faced the firing squad for daring to mingle with the public with such horrendous eyebrows.

Guilty of crimes against facial grooming.

After an obvious Tech-Noir disco death scene, the police station siege is recreated in its entirety, the terminator running amok and killing an insane amount of people. Although some people might balk at how much of a shameless rip-off the film is, nobody seems to give a shit when Tarantino takes the names of other films wholesale or Nicholas Winding-Refn takes the scores of mondo films and re-appropriates them. To me, it is just snobbery. Shitty cheap films don't seem to have the right to steal but 'respected' directors can pretty much trample all over the legacy of others' film careers no problem. 

Now that's a gun-shootin' mug!

The film comes to a head in a huge shoot out at an abandoned airport. Our Yankee Doodle cop calls in his buddies to assist in the killing of our sexy leather clad killing machine. This involves the use of a missile firing helicopter, an armoured vehicle, and a seemingly endless supply of guns. Eventually the terminator is blown-up and her true form is revealed. Will she have a sleek metal skeleton under her erotic frame? Nope! She ends up looking like an Italian zombie, juddering around the joint like an electric tampon and flapping menacingly towards our 'heroes'.

Beat it.

Lady Terminator is one hell of a good time. An endless string of action, gore, cheapo synth, boobs and amazingly bad dialogue. It is a gateway Indonesian Exploitation film, just a taster of the twisted delights to be found in the genre. I love it from the bottom of my little black heart and I thoroughly urge any fans of outrageous celluloid filth to check it out. 

Side eye of death.

Where the fuck am I going?

   BEST SCENE: Police station massacre. The amount of blood squibs used on the            hapless extras must have actually hurt.

   BEST EXTRA: Confused permaholic doctor.

  BEST DIALOGUE: "It says here all three of these guys died with their cocks bitten          off."

DOUBLE BILL MATERIAL: Virgins from Hell (1987), Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters (1982)