Wynorski is no stranger to blood and boobs, giving us the amazing Chopping Mall and the not-so-amazing-but-kind-of-alright-but-still-a-bit-flaps Sorority House Massacre II. A peek at his filmography shows some dignified titles: House on Hooter Hill, Busty Cops and Scared Topless - all dramatic powerhouses.
At the beginning of the film we are introduced to our five heroines. As they are given the depth and nuance of a phone box card advertising a call girl, I like to think of them as a tit focused version of the Spice Girls - each girl has an easily identifiable characteristic in place of an actual personality. We have Brenda - Yorkshire Tits, Jackie - Ginger Tits, Diana - Shifty Tits, Tess - Desperate Tits and Shawna - Tits Tits. As the women arrive for a hard night's stock taking (helpfully dressed as 1980s hookers) they bump into glaring imbecile Orville Ketchum. We are then subjected to the tale of his mysterious link to a massacre which took place in a local sorority house years earlier. This is basically just an excuse to stretch out an already thin running time with clips from The Slumber Party Massacre. Could Orville, the winking blinking maniac, be a threat to our brave semi-nude stock takers?
At the beginning of the film we are introduced to our five heroines. As they are given the depth and nuance of a phone box card advertising a call girl, I like to think of them as a tit focused version of the Spice Girls - each girl has an easily identifiable characteristic in place of an actual personality. We have Brenda - Yorkshire Tits, Jackie - Ginger Tits, Diana - Shifty Tits, Tess - Desperate Tits and Shawna - Tits Tits. As the women arrive for a hard night's stock taking (helpfully dressed as 1980s hookers) they bump into glaring imbecile Orville Ketchum. We are then subjected to the tale of his mysterious link to a massacre which took place in a local sorority house years earlier. This is basically just an excuse to stretch out an already thin running time with clips from The Slumber Party Massacre. Could Orville, the winking blinking maniac, be a threat to our brave semi-nude stock takers?
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| Just act natural. |
Since the girls are such nosy parkers, they can't resist opening a delivery meant for an unconvincing professor, but delivered to the office of ACME Lingerie (imaginative branding) by mistake. Surprisingly, this wrong delivery contains the spirit of a serial killer, which wastes no time in rocketing around the room like a deflated ballon, blowing the films special meagre effects budget in one foul gasp. Our ladies stupidly shrug this off, and get down to the hard task of pointlessly moving boxes around. However, they get oh so dusty! Oh no! A wayward cigarette accidentally sets off the sprinklers and before we know it, mud covers their erotic bodies! Oh well, luckily there is a shower in the boss's office, and these girls waste no time in jumping in for a soapy rub-a-dub. Each girl has a shower in turn, and we as the audience are subjected / treated to each session. The best thing about this is the overuse of squeaky sound effects as the girls lather up their knockers. Each nipple cheeps and rasps as they get down to work, the girls having an unusually erotic shower session - almost as if they were told to perform.
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| Phweeeeeeeeehhhhhh pfffff pffff pttttttrump! |
Peppered between each display of blatant nudity, are some dull murders. One girl is killed with a hook, another girl is killed with presumably the same hook, a poor cow just coming to deliver Chinese food is set aflame and takes a pratfall down an elevator shaft. I was slightly obsessed with the delivery girl, as her wardrobe choices can only be construed as a cry for help. Clad in a muumuu, a bobble hat, and several layers of extra atrocities below this, she stumbles around in the dark until she is finally put out of her misery.
The film bumbles on, each girl being murdered until Yorkshire Tits decides to fight back with the stockpile of weapons stored in the offices of a gun company. This all leads to a shoot-out finale, as our lingerie clad heroines let rip with assault rifles - the money shot of the film.
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| Stock taking in action. |
Without revealing any spoilers, there is a character in this film who seems to be invincible for absolutely no reason at all. They are stabbed, strangled, shot relentlessly and fall from the top of the building, only to appear five minutes later. If they were possessed by the killer then this would (kind of) make sense, but they are just a human person-creature. Is this a meta comment on the ridiculousness of slasher films? If you are feeling generous then yes, but probably not.
Also appearing in the film are two police officers who seem to serve no purpose whatsoever. They merely parrot the plot points already explained by our busty heroines. I can't even remember their names, but I think Detective Padding and Detective Time Extension seem about right. They even appear to bust a porno shoot in a scene which only has the most fanny hair thin tenuous link to the main plot. At least this scene gives us a cameo from Kelli Maroney - star of Chopping Mall and Night of the Comet, cast here in the meaty role of Porno Wife.
Overall, I can't say I would recommend Hard to Die. The script is dull, the murders are pedestrian, the acting is catatonic and the plot is glacial. There are some moments of hilarity, however. I particularly liked Brenda's wavering accent which swings wildly between Coronation Street and Beverly Hills 90210. The shamelessness of it also amused me, the girls running around in lingerie and high heels while blasting guns. High concept cinema indeed!
Also appearing in the film are two police officers who seem to serve no purpose whatsoever. They merely parrot the plot points already explained by our busty heroines. I can't even remember their names, but I think Detective Padding and Detective Time Extension seem about right. They even appear to bust a porno shoot in a scene which only has the most fanny hair thin tenuous link to the main plot. At least this scene gives us a cameo from Kelli Maroney - star of Chopping Mall and Night of the Comet, cast here in the meaty role of Porno Wife.
Overall, I can't say I would recommend Hard to Die. The script is dull, the murders are pedestrian, the acting is catatonic and the plot is glacial. There are some moments of hilarity, however. I particularly liked Brenda's wavering accent which swings wildly between Coronation Street and Beverly Hills 90210. The shamelessness of it also amused me, the girls running around in lingerie and high heels while blasting guns. High concept cinema indeed!
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| Eat lead, you muddy funster! |
For some reason, this film has become quite valuable due to its apparent rarity, but there is a shoddy full version on YouTube if you so desire. If you ever wanted to simulate watching a crappy action / horror film as a short-sighted person with a pair of tights over your eyes, then be my guest.
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| Muumuu abuse |
BEST EXTRA: Not really an extra, but the Chinese delivery girl deserves another mention for her one-woman fashion holocaust.
BEST DIALOGUE: "I just want to get my clothes on, and get the hell out of here!"
DOUBLE BILL MATERIAL: Hide and Go Shriek (1988), Intruder (1989)
| It's for the sake of all mankind. |
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